“It is half past eleven. The breezes seem to tickle me, but
unable to make me smile. I feel drowsy. Things are uneasy. My heart aches and
my eyes are welled up. I feel numb, the serenity of the road and the silence of
the dark night makes me want to shout and scream, and pour all that I have
inside of me, out. I am walking, without a direction. I don’t know where to go.
I am clueless about what I am going to do in my life now. The white dress I’d
worn has stains of blood and mud. I never knew it’d turn out this way. I cannot
speak, my voice seems blocked. My body isn’t functioning well. I know I should
see a doctor, but owing to what I’m going through, the thought has distanced
itself from me. I miss him already. Terribly. I want to cry, but I cannot. I
see a bruise on my left hand. It should’ve hurt. But it doesn’t. All that pains
is my heart.
‘Ahana, where are you going? Wait.’ Shipra calls me from
behind.
I turn around blankly, wondering what she’s doing there. She
takes my phone in her hand and shows me seven missed calls of her. I don’t
react. I just keep looking at her. She looks sad, I know, she’s cried, too. But
I am way too hurt as compared to her. I’ve lost him. It isn’t even comparable.
She shakes me, holding my arms. She takes out a handkerchief and ties it around
my wound. It still doesn’t ache. A tear rolls down my cheeks. I want this
numbness to end, I want to see him. He heals me. He completes me. And now,
destiny has asked me to stay with the scar, incomplete, till the end.
‘He’s dead.’ As I say these words, I break down. I hug
Shipra and I cry. Sitting on the road, I curse everything. I curse the night,
the spirit of the universe and all that I can think of right now. I’m loud
enough to attract the people passing by and the auto rickshaw drivers as well.
But I don’t care. I need to get this out of me. It’s horrible. All I can think
of right now is Hazel Grace, saying, “The only person I wanted to talk about
Augustus Waters’ death was Augustus Waters.”
I need to talk to him. I need him. I need him to hug me and
tell me he’s there, when I know he’s not. He’s gone, long gone. Thinking this
makes me feel void, like I’m just a structure of flesh, but hollow inside. I
scream out to feel better. Nothing helps. Everything’s stopped. Time isn’t
flying like it did, when I was with him.
Strangely, whatever I think relates to him. Or maybe, I’m
linking everything to him, because I feel that this may make God feel pity for
me and maybe He’d give him back to me. I’m being mad, mad at God. How could He
snatch him away me, when He knew he’s all I’ve got? How could God be so cruel
and ruthless? I’m angry.
‘Shipra, he was all I had. He was my soul mate. He
understood me. Who will hug me and assure me things are fine? Who will bring me
chocolates when I’m mad? Who will kiss me when I need to shut up? Who will make
me feel secure, the way I felt in his arms? Who will tease me till I get
irritated, and then, still irritate me some more? Who will smile at me when I’m
angry, melting all the furiousness with that one smile? How will I live? It was
his birthday today. And the strangest gift he received on his birthday was
death. The accident took him away from me forever. I need him, bring him back
to me please, please, bring him back. I beg of you.’ I cry, as loud as I could.
I know he is never going to come back.”
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
‘Where are you lost, Ahana? Cut the cake.” Shipra says.
I smile and cut the cake and eat a piece of it. I never
liked cakes, but it is his birthday.
‘It’s been seven years for the accident Ahana. Why do you
still celebrate his birthday, when everyone else remembers his death?’ Shipra
asks.
‘Because he’d taught me to stay positive and oversee all the
bad in life. I want him to be happy, wherever he is.’
‘And why don’t you just move on?’ She further questions.
‘Because I love him.’ I say, smile and walk away.
I’ve now learnt to live with the emptiness. But, I’m never
alone. As I celebrate his birthday, as I live, I know he’s there, always. I can
feel him around me. Love isn't always being with each other, it's being in each other's hearts.
