Bruised.

Nostalgia runs through my veins, as I open my old diary, 10 years old diary. My handwriting is beyond the capabilities of a person to understand, exaggeration intended. The year 2006 is written in bold letters on the first page, and my mind traces back to the time my Dad gave that diary to me for the first time.

It was an usual evening, I had just come home from my coaching classes. It had been a tiresome day, and I'd collapsed on the sofa, whilst I threw my bag on a chair nearby. The sofa had made a creaking sound, and everyone had laughed hysterically. Some time later, Dad had come to me to give me this diary he'd brought for me from his office. He knew I was fond of writing. I had been more than happy.

Today, as I run my fingers on that paper, I have a heavy heart. Nostalgia has really hit me hard. I turn the pages of the diary without reading it, smelling the old warmth that once had comforted me. It is like I found a long lost best friend. I come back to page one, my name scribbled on it with different inks. Remember the pen we used to have with four refills of four different colours? Yes, black, blue, green and red. And then at the end of the page I find a futile attempt of trying to use all the four refills at once. I smile. 

2nd January, 2006.
So daddy brought me this cool diary yesterday, but I'd been so tired that I slept without writing. But I will write today. First of all, here are my new year resolutions -
1. Lose weight.
2. Try to study more.
3. Write everyday.
Though I am not sure about the first one. But I have to. There's someone to impress. Wink.

I had been in class XI then, and as I read it today, I have a wide grin on my face. I feel good, reviving those moments through this diary. I breathe slowly, everything is calm right now. I laugh at my resolutions, lose weight. Though I know I didn't. And study more? Well, I am sure there is gonna be a note for that too. I turn the page, and it's just a drawing, mountains, sun setting over it, V-shaped birds flying and a river, and a house nearby. Cliché. I cannot stop smiling.

17th January, 2006.
Just felt like drawing. And hey, I draw pretty well. 
Well, I haven't yet started exercising, nor am I writing regularly. Doesn't matter, though. I'll try again next year.

4th February, 2006.
I am bruised. My left knee is injured. We were in school, on the playground, and there were XII class boys playing football. I was nowhere near them, but one of the guys suddenly came and fell on me. He was so immersed in running behind the ball that he didn't see such a huge me. Dumb. I am angry.

I remember how my knee had hurt for an entire week. I had cried so much. But now, I have my entire self bruised, but I don't cry. Maybe I have gotten used to it. I don't know what happened, but now I have forgotten what it is like to let things out just by crying. I carry a broken heart with me, but I just work fine. What has happened, why have I become so monotonous?

28th April, 2006.
I didn't write for the entire March month because I had my exams. And today was my result and I just scored 72%. Mom and Dad have not said anything to me but I know they are mad at me. I really will study hard the next year. I'll make you proud, Mumma Papa. I am sorry. I love you.

I suddenly realize that I haven't told my parents I loved them since long now. Why? I try to think hard for a reason but nothing comes up. I have gotten so busy with my life that I have forgotten that I have them, too. I wanted to make them proud, 10 years ago. But have I? I'm afraid not. This thought pricks me hard and my eyes well up, for the first time in ages. A silent drop of tear falls off, followed by another. But my smile, that still doesn't go.

6th May, 2006.
Our school has organised a trip! Yay! All my friends are gonna go, and I want to go too. I'll talk to Mumma Papa today. They won't refuse, I know. It will be so much fun! Trekking all the way through the mountains with friends, I'll take our camera with me. I'll click lots of photos. Yay. I am so excited! Life is so good.

It's been 10 years, and I now realize that the child inside me, who used to be all excited about things is now no more. I used to be so full of life. Where did things go wrong? I have grown up, yes, but does it mean that nothing is gonna excite and interest me, ever? No. This can't be it. I am missing something. 
And life is good? I haven't thought this thought since years now. Why aren't things okay? I have no answer.

19th August, 2006.
I'm sad today. Veera and I fought, that too over a guy! This is so not cool. Friends are meant to be forever. She knows I like Jay, and still she meets him secretly, without my knowledge? But she says he likes her too. So maybe I should just stay away? She apologized to me millions of times today, and I said it's okay. It really is. Just I am not.

I smirk. This was the first ever heartbreak I'd had. Veera was my best friend, and Jay, her now-husband. I had been sad for three months straight. I didn't talk to people, didn't hang out with them on the playground like I used to, stayed away from them. But I'd healed. I'd let go. I'd forgiven her. Why can't I do that now? Have I lost the ability to forgive and let things go? Maybe yes. The world is a cruel place. 

I have written no more. I wish I had, except for the 'Byebye 2006' written on the page of 31st December. Re-living those feelings and no matter what, not being able to feel the same things today tears me apart from inside. Not being able to be the person I was some years ago makes me feel helpless. Things came into way, good or bad, and it is because of them that I am how I am today. By no means I wish to change those events, I just wish to change myself, to get back to who I was. I feel distant from my own self. And I can't help it. I'd been wounded. I'd even healed. But the scars remain. And they ache. Maybe I am bruised, for ever.

Your Stories - Do you?

Do you think and rethink about the things you said and the things you did, even though the moment's gone now? Do you love too much, try too hard to have what's never meant to be yours? Do you love to watch the moon and stars lying on the grass, that pricks you, but you don't care? Do you love trying to count the stars, knowing you can never get enough of it? Do you snooze alarm at least once before you wake up, just to complete that dream where she was yours? Do you think that any time is coffee time, even though you just had it fifteen minutes ago? Do you like walking on the lonely, empty streets late at night, just to feel the breezes against your skin, because it is soothing? Do you love the late night talks with that one particular person, oblivious of what it means to them? Do you love when your loved ones hug you without any reason, and you feel immensely good? Do you love reading books, and have that one fictional character that means the world to you? Do you treasure your relations the most, even when you know that no one is permanent in a temporary world? Hell yeah, do you love food, and cannot control your inner child when you see chocolates? Do you love walking in the rain, just because it satisfies you in a weird and incomprehensibly bizzare way? Do you not like goodbyes, because they're too painful? Do you not prefer lying, because you know what it feels to be lied to? Do you regret the mistakes that you have and haven't committed because no matter what it was, it has hurt you inevitably? Do you find it tough express yourself, so you use a paper and pen to cast your agony into written word? Do you love listening to music 24*7, just because they voice the feelings you cannot convey? Do you love listening to a particular song over and over again and sing aloud at the top notch of your voice as the lyrics take you over? Do you love to laugh until your stomach hurts, because that is the moment when you zone out of all the things that you worry about? Do you want to fight for what you want, but just can't, because you are a shy, litte creature wrapped up in layers that are soon gonna tangle around your neck?  Do you love watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S, because maybe that is the only bright thing in your dark life? Do you love reading stuff like this, and if whilst reading this, you got a smile on your face, well, then I have one thing to say - People like us need to stick together. Because, I do, too.

Note -
Your Stories is a special feature chain of posts, written by a friend, who doesn't want his name to be disclosed, and edited by myself. There's much more interesting stuff coming up. Stay tuned.