Solace

I escape the shooting questions, offered drinks, wild dances of the people I don't even know, and take the first step of the staircase. My head is buzzing with noises I can't handle, my feet are shaking due to the catastrophe I know I am heading to, I'm shivering because I don't know if I'm even gonna make it or no. Second step. I'm sweating already. My palms are wet and I rub them against the suit I'm wearing, which isn't mine, of course. Third step. I hear someone call out my name but I refuse to turn back. They'll occupy the little space that is left in me, I know, and I can't let them do that. I have very little of me left for myself, I can't let myself go now. Fourth step. I tremble. My body is aching due to fear and pain, I shouldn't have come here at the first place. I can't find any good reason for why I did come. Fifth step. My phone rings. It's the same person who was calling me a few steps back, remember? Yes. I look at the screen flashing bright enough to cut deep my eyes and let blood drip from it. But I keep looking anyway. The call disconnects and I slide the phone back into my pocket. Sixth step. I can feel myself fainting now. I have to remember henceforth, I am my priority. Never do the things you are uncomfortable doing, may it be for anyone that you immensely love or whatever. Just. Don't. Seventh step. I feel nauseated. Maybe I drank too much. I need to throw out. I can't breathe. It's difficult to go ahead with a heavy head that can burst out any moment and legs that are too stubborn to follow the instructions sent by my brain to move. I take a halt. I grasp air into my lungs and I run. Taking alternate steps I don't know how many times, I reach the terrace. And as the cold breeze clashes against my sweaty skin, I feel strangely good. Like everything I've been feeling until a few moments ago just fades away into the air. I can see sparkles in front of my eyes, but I know it's just in my head. I close my eyes and breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. And again. Deep. Deeper. As I open my eyes back into reality, I feel refreshed. I don't need to throw up anymore. I am not shivering, I'm not afraid of anything. It's like the night sky has liberated me into my own strength. I am strong. I feel strong. There's nobody around. I still hear vague noises of the loud music people are enjoying so much down there. But I'm past the phase that was running towards me as if it'd consume me. I take off my shoes and overcoat. I lie down on the floor, and it feels cold against my back that is just protected by a thin layer of the shirt I'm wearing. Even that feels calm and soothing. I look at the sky, the moon shines bright over my head, and there are lots of stars, some of them shining brightly while some of them are dim, but not so much that they go unnoticed. Looking at the stars, I feel all my worries washing away one by one. As I stare into the infinity of the universe, I somehow know that I am not alone. There is some spirit in the universe that guards me from everything, it's my shield. I sigh. The moon looks beautiful, and I realize how small my world actually is. I get this energy, indeed a positive one, and it engulfs me and breaks open a world of ethereality. Serenity. Calmness. Beauty. Solitude.

Heartbreak.

I don't miss you. You read it right. I don't miss you, at all. I don't even think of you these days, not intentionally. I can fake a laugh till my eyes get watery, and smile and smile, no matter what. Just that once in a day, maybe twice or thrice, all of it suddenly comes to a halt. I can't wait to be alone, because that's when I won't have to pretend that I'm fine. Suddenly time stops when I pass the spot where we used to hang out, and all the memories rush back at once. Sometimes, when a breeze passes through my hair, it reminds me of your tender touch, giving me goosebumps for a while. Just that when I laugh really hard, I am reminded of the moments spent with you. When it is the end of the day and I'm about to go to sleep, and I have all these things that I feel in my heart left unsaid, I remember you saying that you were here for me to listen to my rants. When I see others happily with their loved ones, I just wish you were with me, or me with you, or we could be together at some place. When someone mentions your name, I have this known feeling that I have stopped acknowledging, but it's there. My friends, who aren't really my friends, opine that I would be stupid if I still thought of you. When I experience something really overwhelming and my heartbeats increase their pace, I am vaguely reminded of the times I have been in love with you. Love, it's a word that has lost its meaning to me. But if someone talks about being in love and the feeling of it, you're the first thing that comes into my mind. When I look at myself in the mirror, and my sight falls over my face, the eyes you said you could drown into, the smile you said you'd die for, the beauty you said you'd treasure in your eyes forever, it all seems to be insignificant. I look at the places you'd touched me, and it feels like I want to rip off my skin from there, so that I can at least get rid of your presence in me. When I see my hand, deprived of yours in it, I remember how it was when you held my hand, saying it was for ever. But I know, it's all a shout in the void. I just feel it all intensely. But I'm firm on what I had said earlier, I don't miss you.