The Obscured

Hi there,

How are you? Is life treating you well enough to even want to live, or is it giving you a hard time like always? I've seen all the good and bad times with you, you know.

I see you everyday. I know the things you did and still do, the things you feel. I observe the person you were, are and the one you're turning into. I can very well see what's happening.

Recently, you know what I realised? I'm an outcast to you. Despite the wee fact that I am what and because you are, despite that we share a body, a soul, a mind; despite me being you, I feel like a foreigner to you, sometimes feeling like I don't know you at all. And I am taking a wild guess here, but you don't really like me, maybe. I'm the dark part of you, the void in your heart, the hole in your gut. I'm the bystander who just silently witnesses the fallouts that happen in your life. Probably you are not at fault, but darling, neither am I.

I'm just as helpless as you become because of me. I sometimes really wish to make it better for you by simply disappearing somewhere - making you feel whole again. You so desperately want to get rid of me, I see that. But what you fail to understand is I'm a part of you. If you lose me, you'll lose a little of yourself, how will you be whole again then? We are one, you see.

I see you take countless efforts to just fill me somehow. You try to do the things you used to like doing, go to places you used to like going to, meet up with people you used to enjoy being with, all before I happened. But I still rest as unfilled and empty as always. I understand, I'm what makes you real, I'm what makes you vulnerable. I'm the dark part, I know, but I can be just as comforting as the light, given a chance.

All your - our - life, you've hated me because I actually make you feel things. Look where that has gotten us, forked us, made us separate. But tell me something, if I actually make you feel, how the hell am I the bad guy here? Instead of hating me, try accepting me for once. Instead of alienating me, try embracing me. I too need to be assured that things will get better, you know. I would like if sometime, someone comes to me and actually accepts and comforts me, and does not try to get rid of me or even try to fill me for a change. I'm a vacuum, nothing can fill me, you should have understood that by now. Do I not deserve even a wee bit of good, of light, after everything I - we - have been through?

Hi, I'm the murk in you. I'm what's been eating you alive inside, rendering you just a structure of flesh - all hollow inside. I'm what cripples you and aches inside you, and makes you sob on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night. I'm all that and more. But all I ask is, let those grudges go. Let it go, and accept me, just once. We owe it to us, do we not?

The Void.

Recoil

I stand at the window, staring at the street and the passerbys. The sky has turned blueish orange - the sun is about to set, dawning the night. Evening breezes blow, calming my insides that keep churning throughout the day. Something just like this by Coldplay and Chainsmokers plays in the background, my sister must be playing it on her laptop, I guess. There's a restaurant right in front of the building I live in, just across the street. It's a well, six storied glass building, that stands tall. I bite my upper lip, and touch my face. It's been weeks that I've shaved. Through the glass of the restaurant, I see a couple sitting, waiting for their food to arrive. Maybe they haven't yet even ordered​, must be thinking what they should fill their stomachs with. I can tell by their actions, they're a newly wed couple, embarking on a whole new journey in life. The joy of being with each other is visible on their faces. The lady can't stop smiling. For my convenience, I name them Mary and Joe.

Mary is a beautiful woman, long hair, wears maybe a dress that is orange, or red - I can't really tell from a distance. Her wedding ring is a giant diamond that shines and reflects through the glass walls. She has a smile affixed to her face that doesn't seem would vanish anytime soon. Joe must be a lucky man.

On the other hand, the man sitting opposite her is Joe, suited up, clean shaven, perfectly suiting her. He is saying something that makes Mary blush. Somehow, seeing them makes me smile, too. Their food arrives, and I can't really guess what it is that they're eating but she takes up a piece of it and feeds Joe. He smiles and eats it. Then he does the same. Mary and Joe look very happy. I don't realize when smiling for them takes me back into the memory lines of the past, the ones that I've left way down the road, the ones that I've locked up way too deep in my heart. The song changes to Shania Twain's You're Still The One, and the opening lines strike me. "When I first saw you, I saw love. And the first time you touched me, I felt love. And after all this time, you're still the one I love." I feel a tear trickle down upto my nose, and suddenly all I'm filled with is one name. A name that is the sunshine in my darkest days, a name that still aches to be said, a name I'll never get over. Her name.

Amy and I had been on and off time and again. We were set up on a blind date by our mutual friends and we had really hit it off. Things weren't bad with us, but they weren't good either. Our separation wasn't a bummer to anyone, everyone had seen it coming, except us. We were in love, and suddenly we weren't. It didn't matter, we just didn't work. No matter how hard we tried, what we did, we knew it wasn't meant to be.

Right now, I'm trying hard to not let the memories get ahold of me. I'm trying not to reminisce, because if I do, I will want to have her back. And everyone knows how that ends very well. I want her, but I don't want her. I can't want her, well, that's the thing. Now my thoughts start to race and conflict within. I hate this part. A part of me thinks we should have a life apart and ahead of each other, we're toxic. It's for the best that we stay detached. But again, the heart feels what the heart feels. It wants what you can't have, always. It's insane.

"Oh Chrissie, change the damn song!" I yell at my sister. Mary and Joe look so happy still, and now I'm wanting to be like that with someone.

I can't help all these feelings that are rushing in. Amy must not even be thinking about me. I have to convince myself not to go back to her.

Do I love Amy? Yes.

Am I in love with Amy? I'm not so sure. Maybe.

She's the good part about me. When I'm with her, I'm a better person. Without her, eh, not so much. But she awakens the beast in me. She has a hold over me I can't deny. And that isn't very saintly, either. I can't call her. I won't call her.

I look at Mary and Joe one last time - the vibrant smile on the woman's face and the satisfaction on the face of the man - I want that. I want a relationship. A relationship. With Amy? Damn, why her?
I go and sit on my bed. My mind and my heart are stubbornly arguing, and neither of them is giving up.

Oh, for the love of God! Forget about her already.

The battle in my head doesn't seem to have an end. Why does she have this impact on me? I want to move forward with my life, I have to. But somehow, I keep going back to her, well not me, but my heart does. I guess that's the thing, when you have loved someone, they never really go away.

I pick up my phone and dial.

"Hello, Amy?"