Recoil

I stand at the window, staring at the street and the passerbys. The sky has turned blueish orange - the sun is about to set, dawning the night. Evening breezes blow, calming my insides that keep churning throughout the day. Something just like this by Coldplay and Chainsmokers plays in the background, my sister must be playing it on her laptop, I guess. There's a restaurant right in front of the building I live in, just across the street. It's a well, six storied glass building, that stands tall. I bite my upper lip, and touch my face. It's been weeks that I've shaved. Through the glass of the restaurant, I see a couple sitting, waiting for their food to arrive. Maybe they haven't yet even ordered​, must be thinking what they should fill their stomachs with. I can tell by their actions, they're a newly wed couple, embarking on a whole new journey in life. The joy of being with each other is visible on their faces. The lady can't stop smiling. For my convenience, I name them Mary and Joe.

Mary is a beautiful woman, long hair, wears maybe a dress that is orange, or red - I can't really tell from a distance. Her wedding ring is a giant diamond that shines and reflects through the glass walls. She has a smile affixed to her face that doesn't seem would vanish anytime soon. Joe must be a lucky man.

On the other hand, the man sitting opposite her is Joe, suited up, clean shaven, perfectly suiting her. He is saying something that makes Mary blush. Somehow, seeing them makes me smile, too. Their food arrives, and I can't really guess what it is that they're eating but she takes up a piece of it and feeds Joe. He smiles and eats it. Then he does the same. Mary and Joe look very happy. I don't realize when smiling for them takes me back into the memory lines of the past, the ones that I've left way down the road, the ones that I've locked up way too deep in my heart. The song changes to Shania Twain's You're Still The One, and the opening lines strike me. "When I first saw you, I saw love. And the first time you touched me, I felt love. And after all this time, you're still the one I love." I feel a tear trickle down upto my nose, and suddenly all I'm filled with is one name. A name that is the sunshine in my darkest days, a name that still aches to be said, a name I'll never get over. Her name.

Amy and I had been on and off time and again. We were set up on a blind date by our mutual friends and we had really hit it off. Things weren't bad with us, but they weren't good either. Our separation wasn't a bummer to anyone, everyone had seen it coming, except us. We were in love, and suddenly we weren't. It didn't matter, we just didn't work. No matter how hard we tried, what we did, we knew it wasn't meant to be.

Right now, I'm trying hard to not let the memories get ahold of me. I'm trying not to reminisce, because if I do, I will want to have her back. And everyone knows how that ends very well. I want her, but I don't want her. I can't want her, well, that's the thing. Now my thoughts start to race and conflict within. I hate this part. A part of me thinks we should have a life apart and ahead of each other, we're toxic. It's for the best that we stay detached. But again, the heart feels what the heart feels. It wants what you can't have, always. It's insane.

"Oh Chrissie, change the damn song!" I yell at my sister. Mary and Joe look so happy still, and now I'm wanting to be like that with someone.

I can't help all these feelings that are rushing in. Amy must not even be thinking about me. I have to convince myself not to go back to her.

Do I love Amy? Yes.

Am I in love with Amy? I'm not so sure. Maybe.

She's the good part about me. When I'm with her, I'm a better person. Without her, eh, not so much. But she awakens the beast in me. She has a hold over me I can't deny. And that isn't very saintly, either. I can't call her. I won't call her.

I look at Mary and Joe one last time - the vibrant smile on the woman's face and the satisfaction on the face of the man - I want that. I want a relationship. A relationship. With Amy? Damn, why her?
I go and sit on my bed. My mind and my heart are stubbornly arguing, and neither of them is giving up.

Oh, for the love of God! Forget about her already.

The battle in my head doesn't seem to have an end. Why does she have this impact on me? I want to move forward with my life, I have to. But somehow, I keep going back to her, well not me, but my heart does. I guess that's the thing, when you have loved someone, they never really go away.

I pick up my phone and dial.

"Hello, Amy?"