Sunday, 22 October 2017


These shadows, they follow me everywhere. Day and night. Night and day. All the time. It's like a part of me that I don't want around, but can't separate from myself. It's like a contamination, I feel it spread throughout my insides through my blood, whilst I see the reflections of those in the form of the shadows around me. They're scary. It's like the weight that is tied around my legs when I am drowning, I cannot come to the surface. I seem perfectly fine to everyone but I'm drowning, drowning in myself, as I hear the shadows laugh at me. I recognise those shadows, you know, I'm it, but I cannot get rid of it anyway. It's like a belt that's been fastened around my neck, controlling me, making it difficult for me to breathe, and having people tell me it's all in my head? When I walk, I feel its weight on my shoulders, more so a burden, a luggage that I have to carry around no matter what. I don't speak, not because I can't, but the constant calculations of the holocaust that's going on in me makes it difficult for me to think. I'm not pretentious or holding myself back, I'm just anxious. You should see my nails, I bite 'em a lot, just because I can't find anything else to focus all my energy on. I'm constantly shivering and nauseous and on the verge of falling apart, most of the times. You know, I'm like that suitcase that's so overpacked that just one lid cannot hold everything together. People seem to fail to understand that. And it consumes me, and I can't do anything except let it. I have to give in because the more I try to resist, the more I feel it. Constant ticks ring like silence in my head, making no noise but killing me with its loudness. It's a recoil, really, it just gets better and then suddenly out of nowhere, I'm back at square one. And these shadows, they control it. They make it happen. They coerce me to feel all these things. They trap me in a cage and they carry me around in the palm of their hands, vulnerable and feeble.

For a long, long time, I used to think I was the only one who felt this anxious. But with time, a great realisation has dawned upon me, that's everyone feels this. Everyone has a baggage, a past, a shadow. And the many people I see around me everyday, they're too trapped in their minds, maybe, and they're too controlled by their demons. Everyone has their shadows and maybe, just maybe, it's okay to hope that we'll be fine one day.

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