Friday, 21 July 2017


I'm walking by the footpath. My hair falls over my face, so I tie it up in a bun. I'm depressed. My life makes no sense. I mean, I sure can pretend happy all day long, but nights have this power of bringing out the grief in me. I feel suffocated. I feel like I have nobody, like I need to get out of here. I need to get out of this life -- I feel like dying.

It's late, I've lost the track of time. There's nobody on the road, and it's started to rain. As the drops of rain fall over me, I feel like all that's accumulated in me is proliferating. It's like the rain is trying to embrace me in its arms, and I break down. I fall, and as I'm about to wipe my tears and get up, something hits me. Maybe it's a car, or a truck. Something big. My head's spinning and all I can see is blood - I'm soaked in it. My entire body aches, and I'm passing out because of the pain. My vision blurres more and more with every ticking second, and suddenly, all the pain ends.

I don't know how much time has passed. I wake up in a white room - naked. All the pain, all the despair, it seems like everything's just ended. I sit up and look at myself. There are no wounds, no blood. Not even a scratch. I look around, there's nothing in the room. No furniture, no bed, no television, it's just empty. The floor, the walls, the ceiling, it's all painted in white. And even though I should be freaking out, I'm surprisingly calm. I know where I am. I know this place.

I stand up and take a deep breath. I don't even feel sad anymore. It's like I'm all healed, mentally and physically. I touch the walls, I don't know why. Everything - it just feels right. There's no door to this room. I mean, there is, but someone coming here for the first time will never find it. It looks like there's just walls. There's no guessing. But I know where it is, I just know. This is my place. I walk towards the wall that's in front of me, and push the wall-like door. There's no handle to the door, not even a latch or something. It's just plain. Everything is plain here. I'm not even aware of my nakedness. That's just how I'm supposed to be at this place. That's weird, but somehow right.

As the door opens, a bright yellow light shines from the other end, piercing my eyes so hard as if they'd bleed. I wonder if this is what I'm thinking it is. I'm taking deep breaths as the light disappears. I look outside, and I'm now sure of where I am. This is my heaven.

I smile. As I take a few steps ahead, I can feel the sunlight on my bare skin, making me feel ecstatic. As far as I can see, there's just grass. It tickles my feet as I step on it. There are a few trees, but mostly there are flowers - all pink, yellow, red, orange. I am surrounded by just the nature. Far away, I see a cottage. The sky above the cottage is pink in colour, only the part above it. The rest of the sky is blue, just normal. Well, this isn't normal, though. I know that. But when have I ever adored normalcy? I have always wanted a fairytale, a bliss. I start walking towards the cottage, when my sight falls over a pond of water. I change my path towards the pond and as I reach there, I take a little water in my hand. Turns out the water's changed its colour from blue to pink, and it is sparkling, like someone has mixed glitter with it. I like it. I throw a handful of water in the sky, and all the little drops turn into birds that start chirping. I know that was going to happen, I've imagined it so many times. All of this, this place I'm in, it's all like I've imagined since my childhood. It's a part of my life I'd locked up inside, but I'm here now, and I realize this is where I have always wanted to be - a place that makes no sense, a place that's magic.

I again start walking towards the cottage, but a few steps later, I realize I cannot see the cottage anymore. I have landed in a forest, not a very dense one, but it's still a forest. The leaves of the trees are purple in colour, and as I take a leaf in my hand, it becomes an apple. I take a bite out of it, and keep walking. A little ahead, I meet a bear, and it's not a scary bear. I know him.

"You're finally here!" He exclaims.

"I am." I say, smiling and raising my eyebrows.

"I had thought you'd never be able to escape your reality. You did it." He says proudly.

"This... This is my reality." I say, "Everything else was fiction."

We smile and keep walking wherever the path leads us.

"All my life, I have been a shy person. I read and read, never liked people. I've lost innumerable people I've loved, and yet didn't find a single soul who loved me for me. I've always found peace in stories. This is where I used to want to come, when I wanted to escape the world." I admit.

"I know." He smiles.

He leads me to a river. I see that there's a boat on the bank.

"You coming?" I ask as I look behind me, but he's gone. A part of me wishes he'd have accompanied me, but I let go. This is a new ability I discover about myself. I can let go. I wonder why I couldn't let go of the things that hurt me in my life. I get into the boat and set out in the river, when a frog jumps in.

"Hey there!" He greets me.

"Hi. Can you tell me where this river leads to?" I ask him, my curiosity rising every moment.

"Haven't you figured out yet?" He counter questions me.

"What?" I look at him confused.

"This leads to wherever you want it to. This is your land, your imagination. You can do anything you want in here. You have the power. You have the magic. All you have to do is think where you want to be and snap your fingers." He tells me. I'm still confused.

"How do you know?" I ask him nervously.

"Because I'm you, silly. This place, its contents, it's all you." He says.

"But I met with an accident and woke up here. It makes no sense. Am I dreaming?"

"Oh my, you're really unaware. I don't know how to tell you-- okay, euphemistically speaking, you've passed away. You couldn't survive the accident. A part of you knows it." He says, and disappears.

He's right. I know I'm dead, this is definitely not a dream. It's just too perfect. I try the finger snapping thing he told me.

'The door,' I close my eyes and think, and snap my fingers. I'm magically transported back to the door of the white room, and I'm standing on its threshold.

All my life, I've been too afraid to live. I've suffered and suffered, and given too much, even to the wrong people, the ones who didn't deserve it. I never had the guts to be at liberty, I've always been scared of the future, never at peace. But maybe that's over now. Maybe finally, in death, I've found a place where I belong.

I look inside the room, all plain and white and empty, and I look out of the room, all cheerful and colourful and bright, and I now understand that's just who I am. Sometimes I'm the white room, awfully silent and empty and hollow, and sometimes I'm this vibrant person who's full of life and enthusiasm and love. I know this place, it represents me. Maybe this is my peace. When I was alive, I couldn't fly, had no wings - I was in my cocoon. But now, I'm at liberty. I've just left my cocoon and I'm ready to fly, even without wings. This is my heaven.

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