Monday, 29 January 2018

Now that -

Now that you're gone, I find myself searching for you in every person I meet. My eyes long for just a glance of your reflection in someone- anyone, but I don't find it. My heart is untamed but it still is caged in your memories, the ones you left me with, devoid of you, devoid of your love. I'm a strong person but now that I'm alone, that's just something I have to be. Because I wouldn't know what to be, if not strong. I show resilient, because why the hell not? I am fucking resilient but you, YOU don't go away. Somehow you're stuck in that part of my heart which I've locked forever, without realizing you're still in it. And now I realize that's a terrible mistake I made, because now that you're no longer in my life, having you in my heart fucks me up. I don't even think about you, because that's a barrier I've put up for myself, but when I do, I pour. I over-flow because I always have had the habit of being too much, giving too much, wanting too much, feeling too much, but now that I'm left with so little of me for myself, I wish I'd not been too much for you, because you've consumed me. You've consumed me in an incomprehensible way, something even I don't understand. I never ask why you broke me, because I don't regret you, because if I do, I'd hate you and I don't want to, but now that I think about you, I think you deserve all the hate. I should hate you and curse you and curse the world and everything and everyone, but I just don't. I hate the fact that I don't hate you. I hate the fact that I still have that soft spot for you in my dead heart even after you put me through so much. I wait for days for you to drop a text saying you miss me, or a call you'd say you dialled by mistake but it'd be just because you wanted to hear the sound of my voice, maybe you'd show up someday at my doorstep, saying you're sorry, asking for my forgiveness for what you did to me, but now that I imagine it, I feel I don't want you to do any of it. I don't want you back in my life because I'm out of what was devouring me for once, why'd I ever want to do that to myself again? I've been through hell and back but now that I'm here, I think it's just made me stronger, better. And maybe I needed to break, to be whole again, picking up all my pieces and forming my own perfect jigsaw again with all the pieces, none missing. Not even you because now that I know you're not mine anymore, I realize you never were.

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